I’ve seen a lot of mental gymnastics in my time on this planet. Hell, politics is full of them. But they have been eclipsed by the cascade of ridiculous, near brain-dead rationalizations for the hatred of one of Rob Marshall’s specific casting choices in the upcoming live-action version of The Little Mermaid. I mean, it’s become somewhat of an embarrassment.

For starters, detractors of Halle Bailey’s upcoming portrayal of Ariel are self-snitching. After the release of the trailer, I haven’t seen a single critique of substance. Usually, racist, sexist, or homophobic criticisms are masked, not very cleverly, as specious complaints about non-important aspects of a work. Other times, they are added to the enigmatic, impossible to define, “woke” bucket.

In the case of Disney’s upcoming under the sea adventure, no such subterfuge exists. Instead, supremacists of all shapes and sizes (but limited colors) have settled on a short list of reasons why Ariel’s skin color should remain as white as snow, and Disney should be ashamed of themselves for altering it in any way.

“The original author is Danish. Ariel should remain white to preserve her ‘dane’-hood.”

“Scientifically, a mermaid living in deep waters wouldn’t have melanin, so she couldn’t be black.”

“You wouldn’t like it if we race swapped a minority character with a white one, so you should leave Ariel alone.”

“Black people should stop stealing our material and come up with their own characters. Why didn’t they do a Princess and the Frog remake?”

These become more laughable as you go. The idea that a fictional half human/half fish vexes people is already pretty funny. The excuses they come up with to justify that anger is outright hilarious. Authorship is irrelevant. The science angle is an easily refuted joke. White actors have been standing in for minorities for as long as acting has been a profession. As for minorities stealing from white people… well…

I could spend the rest of this article refuting these inane points one at a time. It would pad my word count (not by much) and probably give me a few chuckles. Instead, I feel the best approach is to handle all of the complaints in one fell swoop. After all, if you are upset with method by which a character is cast in a movie, that’s your right. You won’t find an ally in End of a Species, but you may find some like-minded bigots that will enjoy bitching alongside you.

What you don’t have the right to do is turn your opinion into a twisted objective fact. That level of rationalization is done by people too cowardly to admit they are being assholes and looking for some foothold to rescue them from the precipice of that realization. It gives them some reason to feel that their hatred and vile prejudices are valid in some maladjusted way.

At a minimum, you should be honest with your framing. Instead of saying that Disney “has no right” to their own casting choices, say that you’re uncomfortable with the level of pigmentation receiving top billing. Say that you’d prefer to return to the days where John Wayne played Genghis Khan, or Mickey Rooney portrayed Mr. Yunioshi. Let everyone know that you think minorities should only be cast as the Stepin Fetchits of Hollywood.

Here’s a dose of reality, and some advice for anyone that feels Halle Bailey should not be playing Ariel. Firstly, Disney owns the rights to The Little Mermaid. It is not a holy work, or a sacred tome. It is intellectual property. If they wanted to turn the movie into their version of The Wiz, they most certainly can. Secondly, Disney not only knows how, but they LOVE making money. They are making decisions on what to do with their IP following what they believe is in the best interests of the company. Third, there is a massive counterbalancing force working against you. It is going to be very difficult to overcome the shining faces of little girls rejoicing over representation while watching the trailer for this movie.

Hope is not lost for your side, however. There is something very simple you can do if you want to keep Ariel’s Aryan heritage untouched. There are several methods to determine the value of intellectual property. My recommendation is that you try all four for The Little Mermaid as a whole and go with the middle ground figure. After all, you’re going to be negotiating with The Walt Disney Company, and they are kind of a five million pound (shout out to my UK brethren) gorilla.

Once you have this valuation, find yourself an excellent financial advisor. This is the riskiest part of the process. A financial advisor will let you know if it’s even worth pursuing the next few steps given your portfolio. You’re going to want to start with a pretty big offer, since Disney has already outlaid a substantial amount in filming and marketing this movie. Consider how you’re going to recoup your cost. Maybe some of your “white power” buddies will pay top dollar to watch whatever monochrome cast you decide to use splash around and fight over Prince Eric.

Finally, when you’ve got all your ducks in a row, make Disney an offer. Make sure it’s enough to get Christine McCarthy out of her office and in front of you. This is where the fun begins. Make sure you savor the negotiation, because it’s the only fun you’ll have for a long while. Trust me. If you’re successful, you will have succeeded not only in preventing a black Ariel, but in potentially bankrupting yourself and your lineage for at least ten generations (this is actually quite ironic, if you think about it). As the owner of Ariel, Sebastien, Flounder, King Triton, Prince Eric, and Ursula the Sea Witch, the pressure will be astronomical to deliver something incredible. Otherwise, you will be the laughingstock of the financial world.

Or…

You could just stop being a hateful, bigoted moron.